Hi Bonnie and all Blind Parents, Sighted Parents, and anyone who was Ever a Child:
Bonnie, your experiences as a parent parallel my own, and it illustrates the point I was trying to make.
No matter what we do, or how hard we try, or how much we want, we cannot control how others respond to us. We can not spend too much energy worrying about how we are viewed. We do what we do because it is what we believe is right for us. And that is the only person we really have any control over.
You and I, as blind parents, gave our best to our children. We set the best example that is possible for mere mortals, and we passed along the best information that we had to give. And that was as far as our control of the situation could go.
Despite my wish to keep my children safe and to see that they did not suffer the hurt and wrong choices that I had gone through, they had to do it their own way. and that included some very hard times for them. But all three came through their experiences as strong, reasonably happy and contributing people.
Anyway, the bottom line is this, my parenting was only one part of all that went into my children's experience and present behavior and thinking.
And this is true of our own impact as blind people, upon our world. We are only one small piece of what society thinks about blindness. I am not going to change much. But I am committed to trying, just for my own needs. And so, it would seem very foolish of me to claim that another blind person's behavior is more detrimental to the blind stereotype just because it does not conform with my concept of what is proper blind behavior.
Carl Jarvis
**********
My story and Bonnie's response:
Down the street from where I used to live were two families. Each family had a mother, a father and four children. The one consisted of three girls and a boy, while the other was two boys and two girls.
The family with the three girls discovered that one of their daughters was a genius. She had an IQ of over 160 and by her Freshman year in high school she was placed in the twelfth grade. She completed college by the time she was 17 and had a Master's degree in some sort of complicated math by the time she was 19. She had two PhD's before she was old enough to drink.
The second family had pretty normal children, until it was discovered that their older son was molesting all three of his younger siblings. By the time he was 17, he was doing time in the Juvenile Center for attempted rape of a neighbor girl. She was only four years old.
By 19 he was in prison for multiple attempted rapes. But he was released before he was 21 and after appearing to settle down he killed his girl friend, tucked her in the trunk of his car and headed down the coast, committing many violent crimes.
He was sought in at least five rape murders. But when they spotted him and tried to arrest him, he shot it out with the police, killing one of them and then leaping off a cliff to his death.
So here's the reason for telling you this. The first family, the ones with the genius, were never seen as different from the families around them. No one thought that there might be some secret parenting skill that would have caused their one daughter to grow up to be so smart.
But the second family? All of their neighbors came to believe that some how they had raised that boy to become the killer that he became. The family was shunned and the other children were never invited to associate with children of their own age.
Finally the family sold their home and moved far away.
What is it that causes us to believe that the one family did not have that much to do with their child's great success, while we crucify the other family for their son's criminal behavior?
Carl Jarvis
From Bonnie Blose:
other people. Often. when we do, we judge a family instead of an
individual. If three of the four children in the family of the boy
who grew up to rape and then later murder his girl friend were so
called normal kids, can't find the parents at fault. How they must
have asked themselves what they had done wrong and reviewed past
choices in relation to their children. I would think they must
have worried about the rest. Most of all, how sad that the entire
family was ostracized by the community at a time when they needed
support which would have helped so much with this terrible series of
horrific events.
It has been my experience in thinking I know all I need to know that
there are sometimes elements unknown which, if known would alter my
point of view. Even then, it is not my place to judge.
My son has been on probation and had an expulsion held in abeyance
while in high school. He used to compare his behavior to other kids
who were in trouble and ask for reassurance that he wasn't in as
much or serious trouble or as often as they were. I always told him
being in trouble was in the end being in trouble and that although he
hadn't committed murder, being in trouble and on probation was
still serious and could get much worse if he continued doing the
same kinds of things he had begun. In desperation one day, I told
him I would see him in prison if he didn't wake up and change the
things he was doing. He was amazed I could think such a thing and
said he couldn't believe I would say it because he was my son. I
reminded him I had always told him the truth and I wasn't going to
start lying now and that, in my view, that was the future he was
headed for. After some thought, he asked if he did something really
terrible if I would call the police. He was informed I would in a
heartbeat and that what I had said I would do in the past I had done.
He knew I would. I told him if a person knows they can count on being
told the truth from someone they will know that truth is something
they can count on. I never wavered in sharing what I perceived the
truth to be. I told him I would tell him if my view changed or if I
decided I was mistaken about a situation, and I have always done so.
I explained my interest in him was not just for today or tomorrow or
in what he was doing over the weekend but that my care about him
included the kind of person he would be in ten years.
Some parents, no matter how hard they try end up with a child who
grows up and commits horrific crimes. We should never cancel out
their efforts. We all know lousy parents who have great kids. If your
children reach adulthood and conduct themselves responsibly, breathe
a sigh of relief, for it could be otherwise and is for many.
During one of my son's ten day suspensions in high school, I
volunteered his services to people at my church as he was going to
have free time. I found jobs for him to do around the house, insisted
he get up every morning to complete the homework I went to school to
get for him so he could do it during his absence. I made him get
up each morning at the time he would have had to if school were in
the picture, and he moaned a good deal about how boring it was. To
his comments about boredom, I suggested he do homework or the jobs I
had assigned. It involved much vigilance on my part and was way
harder than just letting him serve the suspension with nothing to do.
My point was that I wanted to make this time not just memorable but
boring. He got the point. I told him when he complained that yes, I
knew it was all a bore, but he could be where he was supposed to be
if he hadn't done what he did resulting in his being stuck at home
with boring old mom and work.
The teachers weren't particularly happy to get all of his work
together for completion during his suspension, but I just told them I
was a parent who cared and wanted him to have it. I am sure it was
inconvenient for them, but special circumstances require special
measures. I can handle some dissatisfaction and grumbling from anyone
if there is a purpose being achieved which has a greater value.
For those who are wondering, my son, despite all these efforts did
not graduate from high school. He did eventually see the value of
getting his GED thanks to a girl friend's encouragement at the time.
Like many parents, I didn't need his choice to come because of
anything I said or did but was happy he did it. He holds down a
steady job and has for several years. Did I down size my hopes and
dreams for him? Without a doubt. Like all parents, I wanted more for
him than it turned out he wanted for himself. I am fine with that. It
is his life he has to live, not mine. My place is to be his mom and a
loving presence in his life, something at present he does not want.
He still has some growing up to do. Whether he will do all he can or
when he will come back in to my life are answers I don't have, but it
is my hope he will someday. I expect it will be when he needs me.
When that time comes, I will be there, but I will remind him once
more that separation and lack of involvement erodes relationships and
that lack of involvement solves nothing and can do great harm. I know
other parents who do not see their children and have had great
support from them in this. I know many others who can't imagine not
seeing their children. I understand that too and am glad they do. One
very close friend says every once in a while that she hopes the
closeness she has with her son and his loving concern and expression
of interest in her life doesn't hurt me since I don't have the same.
I tell her it does, because all relationships are different. I'm
happy she has such a great relationship with her son. As a friend,
how could I possibly think otherwise in relation to a person I love
and whose friendship I cherish?
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